Well well hi there, I wasn't able to write anything for so long because i was really busy this week but i never questioned whatever happened to me or any kind of disease( i never got sick in 20 years anyways o.o; ) , or any kind of trouble because on my mental self, I've worked out for years. For a long time it was my only sense of gratification . Let's get into those thoughts later shall we? Great . [: Before this week started i was trying to complete my documents and such and i also learnt my acceptance letter for Lodz has arrived, perfect news . When this week started i was expecting something really harsher because i started doing internship in a yarn factory called 'Anteks' , anyways. They gave me lil foot jobs at firsts and then harder and then i end up on pc on the first day, thanks to previous years of failure where i crushed the pc many times so i could save the lab's now perfectly . today was the 2nd day of the internship now i know more bout those huge nachines and technical ones where i have been given much more responsibility and things to do. ıT's not bad, not good either , it's fine, just like i imagined yet i never complain or be a wiseass tho. Taking every kind of responsibility, on the first day even because there are 9 other apprentices like me there >_> who are there to do the same things i would have given so 10 pupils are a lot some become so lazy, they don't even come to the factory but i don't have an option like that, in the whole factory, in my section only our main chief is a man, 'Mr.Kaan' . Everyone is so afraid of him that he asks questions to us and such and gives orders and i go like "So what? It's his job? To be the one who gives orders..." people mostly are surprised by my answers they even ask if i've been here before but my reply is no of course. Oh yes, the reason i cannot be absence because after our chief, two technical engineers, an operator and other 9 pupils lets say.. are all women. I'm the only guy there whose absence will be easily recognized if I don't show up. Egh... -.- It's a hard situation to be in a lab with so many females in a lab whole day on all weekdays. So many reasons there are , i can even sense there's "always" an eye checking on me but i give them all a big, echoing NO from here. No matter how much they try to approach me or ask questions, out of blue, without a warning, without even helloing me which are unrelated ones to the thing we're doing at lab =// So lame. Turkish women.. they think they're the cleverest, yea even more than the guy who gets the highest marks on his school , uses both hands, and has a great mind and memory . Nah , they're my colleagues and they will always stay like that because my heart is already stolen, no matter how many times everyone tells me to look at em. I've made my choice and I'm proud to belong my darling. And luckily, in order to complete my acceptance letter from Erasmus i will go back to my college city, to my coordinator and complete the letter and in the city, on Thursday and Friday i mean, will stay for two days where i think will have to stay in a motel or something but i doubt if i will have net there. Maybe only to check mails i can come online i think. and I will come back Saturday or Friday night but i may have to go next week too. All those Visa and Passport stuff consumes some days according to what they say and they may even ask me to get my ticket so I'll be looking to the ones if i have direct flight from here, Antalya to Lodz and i think they do have flights but it's just i don't wanna also take all that luggages all by myself and take another 12 hour bus transport to İstanbul so, that will be a direct and "vertical" landing for my plane, to Lodz so it will remove in passengers and will be a sweet landing , I think someone had a deja-vu of a joke and knows what I'm talking bout .
Other than these stuff I don't have anything else going on, going to my friends to play basketball every evening and working out on the days I don't go. But internship really tires me out, I realized it. Today, especially, i fell asleep when i got home , i mean i was watching a movie in front of pc and i opened my eyes in my bed, and crawled somehow like a ball or something, hearing mom calling me for dinner with eyes like =/_\= . . Well, for the next two parts you know how my journals go like first section usually starts with a nice journal, a story or a talk, maybe a script, second one is my daily life and final part belongs to her. However this time In order not to ruin story i will make the explanation here. It's a story i made up an showed me that I'm good at writing too and i liked the way it turned out. Here's my story.

---------

A little, pretty country girl living in her own world, one day fell in love with a mariner.Their biggest problem is, that handsome mariner's graduating and proposing marriage to the beautiful country girl. School finally ends. Mariner comes with a shattered face to the pretty women of that small land. The girl notices something. "Is he going to break up with me?" , she thinks. But there's really something going on with the mariner. "hat happened my darling? Is something going wrong?" Asks young girl. "Darling i graduated and they've put me into a submarine now. And we submarines barely come to cities like once in a month and now I will be deep under the sea. If you would like to break up with me. I would totally understand that." The girl replies, "I would never leave you." . "I knew you would say this..." the young mariner responded. He gives his girl a flashlight and a book. The girl is surprised while she were expecting some sort of candy and some flowers, "What is this flashlight and this book is for?" . "Look dearest, this is a book of Morse alphabet and this is a flashlight. If you learn how to write these letters, twice in two months we may pass through the seaside, from the surface. In that way, we can keep in touch." Since mobiles and other things are forbidden in the army.
The girl becomes so happy and quickly starts to study. As soon as young marine leaves, she locks herself up in the home and practices writing words every single day marine is away. "If it's one dot and a line its 'A', if it's one line and 3 dots it's 'B' ..." And she even spends her all savings secretly on batteries. She hides them, in case her father would find out, her mother knows. Her dad does not.
On the first chance young marine goes up to phone and calls her, "My darling, I love you, please be on the seaside, this Friday, at night, at eleven o'clock, we will pass, please be there for me." He closes quickly, others are waiting in line. It's a long and crowded line in the submarine.
Girl speeds up her practices, "Dots , lines, dots, dots, dots, line line!... ~" and so on.. While doing so, In the pitch black of night, a submarine appears, rising from deep. The girl starts to write down the letters she studied for endless times. "I love you..." , The marines working under the communication system of the submarine are confused by this emotional message coming in Morse alphabet. While they were all thinking what this is.. The marine comes and asks his officer, "Sir, It's my girlfriend, would you let me so i can write a reply to her with my own flashlight?". Commander smiles "What flashlight are you talking about? Get on the projector, now." Replies, "Until the end of time." . The girl sleeps happily after that.
After some time months passes again, he calls his adorable girlfriend. "Darling, this Saturday, at midnight, please be at the seaside. I told about you to all of my friends, they are all envy us. But be careful, there will be other submarines which will follow us." Girl quickly asks "Alright but, how will i know which one of is it yours in that darkness?" His reply is fast, "Do not worry my love, the first submarine will reach to seaside will be ours, The most famous one of the seven seas' armies."
.
.
.
While pretty girl is waiting curiously for the submarine, there's a shady gray scenario waiting for the submarine... As the guy said so , his submarine, the windshield F-13 is leading other submarines and going as the first, in the line, date 10th April 1963. When they were back from their shame battle, they crush with the other Scotch submarine called "Harversteomenia F-15" means 'the Lost Hope' . The submarine being Scotch is sensible because like every north submarine, The Lost Hope too carries and ice-breaker in front of itself. The Lost hope confronts and breaks windshield in two pieces and it starts to fall into ocean with a quiet scream of a whale...
.
.
.
While all marines didn't know what was going on, the pretty girl shows up at the seaside and writes her message to the first submarine, "I love you..." . The crew is shocked when they noticed her message and they start to gossip between themselves "So the rumors were true... So the marine guy was not lying... He really has a girlfriend but poor girl send the message to the wrong submarine..." Then suddenly a message appears to the crew and she gets a reply. Commander orders "Don't leave the girl like that, give her reply as how it reached to us. It doesn't matter if it's F13 or F14." The crew quickly gets on the projector and they reply, "Until the end of time." And the windshield F13 really went into a deep sleep that will last until forever...
.
.
.
Harverstomenia gives the coordinates of the accident it did and the rescue ship 10 reaches in the point called 10. When submarines fall, they leave a device, a yellow box on the surface of the sea which is connected to the main part and sector of the submarine. Like the black boxes of planes. As you see it's such a prehistorical method. Since it's really hard that first to find that yellow box, the cord wont broke so the fallen submarine could be found. However luckily, the device has found in 2 hours easily. And this historical conversation is made between the rescue team Captain Salim and the 22 marines including the boyfriend of the pretty country girl;
-Hello... Hello wind... from below... I'm the rescue officer Suat Tezcan, Is there anybody hearing me? Can someone reply?
-Sir, I'm the marine officer of the crew here aka Morse marine...
-Marine where are you? How many of you are there?
-We are all 22 marines here sir. Including me too. We are in the main office.
-Do you have any kind of contact with other rooms?
-We've been talking with the tail sector for half an hour but now they're silent 'too' sir. And we're getting low on oxygen.
-Thanks marine for informing, quickly tell your crew my orders. They will not talk. They will not sing. They will not smoke.
-As you order sir. Sir, our manometer has reached to the point of 260. Is this correct?
Rescue officer *gulps* and says;
-Alright marine, we will save you.
Morse marine repeats this interesting question;
-Sir, manometer shows 260. Is it normal?
This question is so clear for the marines. A manometer showing 260 means 90 meters and in a submarine in that situation means no one is going to be saved at all.
Rescue officer quickly informs his highers and the rescue team tris to save their friends under muscle cramps and under that pressure. In order to give crew moral, rescue officer calls the Morse crew, for the last time;
-Hello, Marine, It's me, the rescue officer.
-Yes sir, I'm waiting for your orders.
-We will save you at all costs.
-Sir, don't lie to us, our manometer has broken because of pressure.
After a deafening silence ~
-Marine. tell your friends this. They can sing. They can smoke.
The marine clearly got what that massage meant for was. After this order from rescue officer, with all the 22 marines, proudly shouting their oath the last voice;
-For our country!!! *a dizzy voice is heard* . Screechy dizziness , end of tape...
After the searching that lasts nearly 72 hours, they found the submarine and no one is saved from the windshield F-13. They found the other end of the yellow box for clarification. Rescue officer listens it once again and asks his crew to send it to the girl's house as soon as he notices the signs that were barely carved on the box...
The box reaches to the girl's home. She was somehow knew it again something was going wrong. The ring bells, a soldier delivers the yellow box to the girl and leaves. The girl understands and her face gets shattered. She listens it, the last speech her boyfriend made. She listens it over and over! Bursting into tears, she listens it for the 9th time At the every end of every conversation, the last voice "For our country!!! *a dizzy voice* ". She notices a man's voice and notices the sign that are carved on the box, she know what are those dots and straight lines are, she listens it one more time with loud volume this time and the dizzy voice is clearly heard, she finds out the last voice recorded into the box is not the crew's...
"FOR OUR COUNTRY!!! *Until the end of time, I lov-..* "
Screechy dizziness , end of tape...
.

*********

I must say I'm really impressed when i read it after reading it, i got my own eyes teary, somehow ironic and oddly funny for an author... But it made me realize a feeling i've been keeping inside myself for not a very long time and made it burn deeper. I'll try to describe that feeling for you, i will introduce them. Whenever you remember her, you get your head in the clouds and your heart falls into a hole. Like a butterfly whose life has been stuck between hours and jumping from this griefs to other happiness', whole day without a reason and everytime you get on somewhere, you seek the other feelings... While spending time with her if the clock is spinning like crazy and not at all without her, nailed to where it is, not moving an inch, so mean like a scorpion... In the class, in the office and in the bed you can keep the butterflies those are rising within yourself, While she is mentioned, without a warning, your face gets all red like a tomato, innocently like a child or making an evil grin, and she stops, everywhere you do, looking at you from everywhere you look, smiling when you do, crying when you get sad... If you believe her love can save you, the world's most beautiful place is where she lives, the most beautiful scent is the one you smell in your dreams, the most unresisting feeling is the sadness in her eyes... And if life is beautiful with her and collapses without her... apples are pink, walls are pink, sky, earth, her face is pink, if the winters are spring, summer's are spring, and the fall is spring... She's the one who's been told in every poem you hear and read... She's the hero of every movie... Every novel is talking about her, every flower blooms her... Even a moment of gap, feels like a lifetime not even to mention the missing part and as soon as she leaves the longing pulling you from the roots of your hair and hurts your brain and mind and heart, if your appetite is low then your appetite gets high then your appetite is confused... your appetite finds a taste that can't even match the taste of yearning... your hand lives in the phone, your thumb buttons her, calls her, when you start to fall into a hole, if you know she would be the one to save you, knocking on the door, in a wide-awake drunkness, you check to phone every hour and running to it in case its her, imagining every cloth on her, thinking how amazing it will look on her every dress you see on shop window,while you are listening someone you sigh if she would tell, her smile, her existence, her voice, her tender skin won't leave your heart no matter what... if you're carrying the craving for her, under your sleeve and shir, close to your heart, like a forbidden thing whole day... if you want nobody to know and you want to tell the world... the nights without her are lonely, streets are empty... breaking up equaling to death, and the any kind of nirvana for your genitals is equivalent to tan dawn of the sun every single morning... thinking how sweet she still is when she's angry, even when eyes flame out of here eyes, how gorgeous the goddess you worship is; all these effort, all this patience is worth to see her one pleasant smile at her shining holiness... if her face is calm while's with you like a water, that there's no equal sacrifice to pay, the road and dreams that can't be canceled and the comfort that cannot be left for her for the feelings she let you feel so far... on the outside she causes symptons and quakes and on the inside she causes heartquakes and this doesn't bother you at all, getting sad all of a sudden, wondering if something bad happened and not be able to think correctly through the day, if you believe she's your spring after every winter and she will get you through the night no matter what, forgiving everything going on and in in life and you can't even believe yourself, reading and she's the one making you write this all... the fear to lose, is more dominant than excitement the path that leads reaching her causes and love is dominant to the pride with every kind of reason... In the middle of the night embracing you like a friendly song, and all the words she's saying to you is carved onto your mind completely... and everytime you must leave, your mind begs go back and you turn back, wondering the tiniest word you say may could break her heart and choosing every kind of word wisely between thousands with an unlimited, impatient, starving desire... ...If so, every tomorrow is your day with her.. "Live long" and "god bless you" such a beautiful disaster to be in, your favorite disease. I'll enlighten you with a situation that you're in and i know for a fact that you don't know for sure.
You are in love.
So you may ask to me, how long is forever? How ever long it may be, I don't care baby. If I spend it with you, that's all that matters to me.
==========
I'm going to sleep now,
To listen the rain together with you.
<3.
~

P.S. "There's some of you somehow in everything."